Concord, New Hampshire — A wave of excitement has suddenly gripped what’s heretofore been a rather dejecting Democratic primary, as recent polls show a new candidate emerging from the pack. Bringing a flourish of color to an otherwise noticeably monochromatic field, Polly The Partisan Parrot has taken a commanding lead on his opponents, according to the latest averages on RealClearPolitics.com.
“It’s really quite amazing that a bird that just repeats what everyone else is saying can be competitive, much less lead a field of actual people, but here we are,” sagaciously observed general-purpose pundit Larry Sabato. “What’s even more amazing is that I don’t think he’s even that smart of a parrot! He only says like four or five things!”
Indeed, while parrots are generally capable of amassing vocabularies of up to one thousand words, so far Polly has only demonstrated a facility with a handful. When asked about specific problems, his responses are limited to “racism,” “sexism,” and “capitalism,” which, while calling his acumen into question, nevertheless earned him a degree in economics this past year from Boston University. And when asked for solutions, he goes to his crowd-pleaser.
“The first time I heard him say ‘tax the rich,’ I was mad because I’m rich!,” said an irate Bernie Sanders. “Then I was mad because he was stealing my line like everyone else! And now I’m mad because one of my unpaid interns took my one suit to the dry cleaner and now the stains are gone!”
Others, like Joe Biden, are more sanguine. Despite losing more support than others to Polly’s mindless regurgitations and appeal to low-information voters, the former Vice President gleefully observed: “Usually when someone calls me a ‘bird brain,’ I say ‘Come on Jill, we talked about that!’ But now I take it as a compliment!”
And for his part, Mayor Pete Buttigieg seems to have developed a genuine affection for his party’s new standard-bearer, as the South Bend mayor is frequently seen posing with Polly after debates and feeding him crackers, leading some to wonder whether he’s angling for a future cabinet position in a Polly White House, or perhaps even a spot on the presidential ticket. But Buttigieg was quick to brush away such speculation at a recent rally, saying “I’m just happy to have my first non-white friend.”
Little is known about the bedazzling bird, though it’s believed he spent his formative years in captivity in Rachel Maddow’s billiards room, thus explaining both his affinity for vacuous leftist talking points, and Montecristo cigars. And even his harshest critics agree that his meteoric rise from unknown animal with an extremely small cranial capacity, to presidential favorite of a formerly serious major party, is nothing if not remarkable.
But is Polly really the best candidate among this still-crowded Democratic field to take on Donald Trump and ultimately lead the United States of America, or is he just benefitting from parrot privilege?
“Look at it this way: I asked him how his socialist policies were any different than those already tried and failed in places like Venezuela, and he just stood there with a blank look on his face and pooped on the floor,” recalled debate moderator Van Jones. “Or maybe that was Bernie. I forget. One of them. Either way, it was one of the better answers.”
Editor’s note: The preceding post was satire. I hate that I have to write that but there’s always a handful of people who take these things seriously. I’m not kidding.